A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
KGB Paranoia
The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960's
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
Two beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side in front of a basilica in Rome. One has a large wooden cross in front of him; the other one, a metallic Star of David. As people go by they look pointedly at both beggars . Every single person leaving the basilica immediately puts in money , but only into the bowl of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A bishop comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross; but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the bishop goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My son, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Global Catholicism. People are not going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you; especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, the majority of these people would never give to charity and are giving to him just out of spite to you!" The beggar behind the Star of David listens carefully to the bishop, turns to the beggar beside him with the cross and says: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Monday, May 25, 2009
Speeding Ticket Jokes
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
To Be 8 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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