A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied. "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!!"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Integration
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra. "The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked "would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?" The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Food Misconceptions
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio i s two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio i s two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Car Park
An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return''
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return''
Sunday, January 25, 2009
You might be yeshivish
*If one of your wife's shaitels cost more than both ofyour cars...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five younger siblings...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you consider chulent a basic food group...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he must come from Greece...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to your maid or the checkout clerk...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez treats can be bought with food stamps...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom Tov...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream flavor...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your grandchildren are older than some of your children...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you had to got engaged after three dates because there are only three airports in the NY area...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow your van...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by seasonal changes...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of passage for your daughters...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can catch your own gefilte...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV in the clothes closet...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your son's bar mitzvah invitations...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you heard about this article but can't read it because the internet was ossered...You Might Be Yeshivish!!!
*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five younger siblings...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you consider chulent a basic food group...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he must come from Greece...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to your maid or the checkout clerk...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez treats can be bought with food stamps...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom Tov...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream flavor...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your grandchildren are older than some of your children...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you had to got engaged after three dates because there are only three airports in the NY area...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow your van...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by seasonal changes...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of passage for your daughters...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can catch your own gefilte...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV in the clothes closet...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your son's bar mitzvah invitations...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you heard about this article but can't read it because the internet was ossered...You Might Be Yeshivish!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
BANNED FROM WAL MART...........
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of champayne and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last,
but not least ..
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Tom
Richards
Walmart
Manager
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of champayne and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last,
but not least ..
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Tom
Richards
Walmart
Manager
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Love this one...
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
SERENITY
Thanks to the one who sent me this.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have los t all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have los t all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
NDE
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing an Angel she asked "Is my time up?"
"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." said the Angel.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of the Angel again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
The Angel replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Seeing an Angel she asked "Is my time up?"
"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." said the Angel.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of the Angel again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
The Angel replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Jewish Woman
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rebbe in Bnei Brak.
'Yankele un Yosale are both in love mit me,' she says. 'Who vill be the lucky one?'
The wise old Rebbe answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosale will be the lucky one'.
'Yankele un Yosale are both in love mit me,' she says. 'Who vill be the lucky one?'
The wise old Rebbe answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosale will be the lucky one'.
An oldie
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Lost!
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated, the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated, the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!
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