Actual Call Centre Conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

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This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No why not?"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power................ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Little Abe

Little Abe goes into Church, takes out the Tallis, takes out the
yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray. The Priest comes
in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says," Will all
non Catholics please leave." Little Abe goes right on davening. Next
request, again "Will all non Catholics please leave." Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says," Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off
the yarmulke and puts it away. Then Abe goes to the altar and picks
up a statue of baby J. and says the immortal words "Come
bubbela they don't want us here anymore."

'Ole Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.


Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog
Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that thing before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Kaddish for Moishele

For many years an elderly Jewish man's only companion was an equally old dog. One day the dog died.

The grieving man went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say Kaddish for his cherished dog.

The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. But there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. Go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog. They just may be meshuggenah enough to do it for you."

The old man thanked him, and then added, "Do you think they'd also accept my $175,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?"

"Wait a minute!", shouted the rabbi --- "You didn't say your dog was Jewish!"

Italian Brain

An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.

The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.

He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"