A friend was in front of me coming out of Shul one day ,and the Rabbi was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of God! "
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Yom Kippur and Yizkor?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This old man
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Men and women
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February that
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I'm way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even
before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting
like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves £600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... I feel so..." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Blood
An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing
to donate his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.
The Arab replied
"Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing
to donate his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.
The Arab replied
"Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"
Yiddish Proverbs
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Actual HMO Medical Chart Entries...
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through me physical changes is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
What a relief! Going through me physical changes is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Idiot Awards
Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in gett ing it
out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on
the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He
was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gav e the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license They arrested the
robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply,
"I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us . . . and they REPRODUCE!
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in gett ing it
out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on
the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He
was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gav e the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license They arrested the
robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply,
"I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us . . . and they REPRODUCE!
What does 'love' mean?
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Kari - age 5
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy - age 6
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri - age 4
When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.
Noelle - age 7
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy - age 6
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine - age 5
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris - age 7
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7
You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
Kari - age 5
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy - age 6
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri - age 4
When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.
Noelle - age 7
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy - age 6
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine - age 5
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris - age 7
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7
You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Best Police Comments
~#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
~#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
~#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
~#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet
fired from my gun."
~#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
~#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
~#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
~#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
~#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
~#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."
~#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
~#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
~#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
~#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
~#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.
~#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
~#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
~#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet
fired from my gun."
~#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
~#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
~#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
~#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
~#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
~#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."
~#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
~#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
~#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
~#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
~#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.
Bad language
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Army’s actual regulations for aircraft operation - from 1920!
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
5. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
6. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
7. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
8. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
9. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
10. Do not trust altitude instruments.
11. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
12. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing.
13. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
14. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
5. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
6. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
7. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
8. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
9. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
10. Do not trust altitude instruments.
11. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
12. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing.
13. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
14. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Traffic camera
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Learning English
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Taxi driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For twenty five years I drove a hearse."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For twenty five years I drove a hearse."
When the government handles public education
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
6. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
8. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
9. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
10. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
11. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
12. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
13. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
14. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
15. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
6. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
8. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
9. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
10. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
11. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
12. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
13. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
14. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
15. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Goodbye Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Thunb sucking
A boy had reached the age of four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, 'If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.'
Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, 'Uh-oh . . I know what YOU have been doing.'
Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, 'Uh-oh . . I know what YOU have been doing.'
Kids Talk
"Mom," said a little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor!"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"
------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter's fifth-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, and then asked, "How old are you now?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face.
"What happened?" my mother asked.
"I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"
------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter's fifth-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, and then asked, "How old are you now?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face.
"What happened?" my mother asked.
"I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
G-d will provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
KGB Paranoia
The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960's
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
Two beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side in front of a basilica in Rome. One has a large wooden cross in front of him; the other one, a metallic Star of David. As people go by they look pointedly at both beggars . Every single person leaving the basilica immediately puts in money , but only into the bowl of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A bishop comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross; but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the bishop goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My son, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Global Catholicism. People are not going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you; especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, the majority of these people would never give to charity and are giving to him just out of spite to you!" The beggar behind the Star of David listens carefully to the bishop, turns to the beggar beside him with the cross and says: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Monday, May 25, 2009
Speeding Ticket Jokes
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
To Be 8 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Actual Call Centre Conversations
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power................ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power................ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Little Abe
Little Abe goes into Church, takes out the Tallis, takes out the
yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray. The Priest comes
in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says," Will all
non Catholics please leave." Little Abe goes right on davening. Next
request, again "Will all non Catholics please leave." Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says," Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off
the yarmulke and puts it away. Then Abe goes to the altar and picks
up a statue of baby J. and says the immortal words "Come
bubbela they don't want us here anymore."
yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray. The Priest comes
in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says," Will all
non Catholics please leave." Little Abe goes right on davening. Next
request, again "Will all non Catholics please leave." Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says," Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off
the yarmulke and puts it away. Then Abe goes to the altar and picks
up a statue of baby J. and says the immortal words "Come
bubbela they don't want us here anymore."
Monday, April 27, 2009
'Ole Blue
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog
Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that thing before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog
Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that thing before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Kaddish for Moishele
For many years an elderly Jewish man's only companion was an equally old dog. One day the dog died.
The grieving man went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say Kaddish for his cherished dog.
The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. But there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. Go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog. They just may be meshuggenah enough to do it for you."
The old man thanked him, and then added, "Do you think they'd also accept my $175,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?"
"Wait a minute!", shouted the rabbi --- "You didn't say your dog was Jewish!"
The grieving man went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say Kaddish for his cherished dog.
The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. But there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. Go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog. They just may be meshuggenah enough to do it for you."
The old man thanked him, and then added, "Do you think they'd also accept my $175,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?"
"Wait a minute!", shouted the rabbi --- "You didn't say your dog was Jewish!"
Italian Brain
An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat'ssimple.....it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a clock!'
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat'ssimple.....it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a clock!'
Friday, March 13, 2009
Mathematics that make u smile
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
(Thanks Chanie)
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
(Thanks Chanie)
Travel vocab
“Old world charm” really means “Private room but public bathroom.”
“Tropical” really means “It’s going to rain … a lot …”
“Majestic setting” really means “An obscenely long way from town at end of dirt road.”
“Options galore” really means “Bring LOTS of extra cash.”
“Secluded hideaway” really means “You will get lost … a lot …”
“Knowledgeable trip hosts” really means “They've driven a car at least once.”
“No extra fees” really means “No extras.”
“Nominal fee” really means “Outrageous charge.”
“Standard” really means “Sub-standard.”
“Deluxe” really means “Standard.”
“Superior accommodations” really means “Private bathroom.”
“All the amenities” really means “Private Bathroom with a shower cap.”
“Gentle breezes” really means “Hang on.”
“Light and airy” really means “No air conditioning.”
“Tropical” really means “It’s going to rain … a lot …”
“Majestic setting” really means “An obscenely long way from town at end of dirt road.”
“Options galore” really means “Bring LOTS of extra cash.”
“Secluded hideaway” really means “You will get lost … a lot …”
“Knowledgeable trip hosts” really means “They've driven a car at least once.”
“No extra fees” really means “No extras.”
“Nominal fee” really means “Outrageous charge.”
“Standard” really means “Sub-standard.”
“Deluxe” really means “Standard.”
“Superior accommodations” really means “Private bathroom.”
“All the amenities” really means “Private Bathroom with a shower cap.”
“Gentle breezes” really means “Hang on.”
“Light and airy” really means “No air conditioning.”
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The English Butler
An English Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes.
Giving up wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Science exam answers
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: &nbs p;The sun shines down on the leaves and makes the m perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the E arth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: &nbs p;The sun shines down on the leaves and makes the m perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the E arth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Is it really Him?
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Mom Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
'Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'Oh...I get it!' she beamed.
'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad!'
''Exactly', I replied with a big smile on my face.
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
'Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'Oh...I get it!' she beamed.
'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad!'
''Exactly', I replied with a big smile on my face.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Torah Dating
B'reishis - In the beginning,
Noach lech - Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.
Toldos - He checked out the yichus
Vayaitzay - and they went out.
Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..
Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz - In the end,
Vayigash - they got close
Vay'chi - and they lived happily ever after.
Noach lech - Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.
Toldos - He checked out the yichus
Vayaitzay - and they went out.
Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..
Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz - In the end,
Vayigash - they got close
Vay'chi - and they lived happily ever after.
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holiday
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case
dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,
how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware
of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case
dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,
how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware
of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Bath Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
When I was a little girl...
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 3 years old and had just recovered from a nasty fall. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which of course, was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it all up.
Then she said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that child can reach to get water, is the toilet.??"
Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which of course, was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it all up.
Then she said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that child can reach to get water, is the toilet.??"
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Ice-cream
Ben &Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel
in the following flavors:
Wailing Wallnut
Moishemellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen (This one totally cracks me up!!!)
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo
It should be noted that all of these flavors
come in either a cup or a Cohen.
in the following flavors:
Wailing Wallnut
Moishemellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen (This one totally cracks me up!!!)
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo
It should be noted that all of these flavors
come in either a cup or a Cohen.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Communication difficulties
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied. "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!!"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied. "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!!"
Integration
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra. "The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked "would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?" The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Food Misconceptions
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio i s two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio i s two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Car Park
An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return''
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank.
He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return''
Sunday, January 25, 2009
You might be yeshivish
*If one of your wife's shaitels cost more than both ofyour cars...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five younger siblings...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you consider chulent a basic food group...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he must come from Greece...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to your maid or the checkout clerk...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez treats can be bought with food stamps...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom Tov...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream flavor...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your grandchildren are older than some of your children...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you had to got engaged after three dates because there are only three airports in the NY area...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow your van...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by seasonal changes...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of passage for your daughters...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can catch your own gefilte...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV in the clothes closet...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your son's bar mitzvah invitations...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you heard about this article but can't read it because the internet was ossered...You Might Be Yeshivish!!!
*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five younger siblings...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you consider chulent a basic food group...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he must come from Greece...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to your maid or the checkout clerk...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez treats can be bought with food stamps...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom Tov...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream flavor...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your grandchildren are older than some of your children...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you had to got engaged after three dates because there are only three airports in the NY area...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow your van...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by seasonal changes...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of passage for your daughters...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can catch your own gefilte...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV in the clothes closet...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your son's bar mitzvah invitations...You Might Be Yeshivish!
*If you heard about this article but can't read it because the internet was ossered...You Might Be Yeshivish!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
BANNED FROM WAL MART...........
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of champayne and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last,
but not least ..
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Tom
Richards
Walmart
Manager
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of champayne and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last,
but not least ..
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Tom
Richards
Walmart
Manager
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Love this one...
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
SERENITY
Thanks to the one who sent me this.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have los t all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have los t all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
NDE
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing an Angel she asked "Is my time up?"
"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." said the Angel.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of the Angel again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
The Angel replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Seeing an Angel she asked "Is my time up?"
"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." said the Angel.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of the Angel again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
The Angel replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Jewish Woman
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rebbe in Bnei Brak.
'Yankele un Yosale are both in love mit me,' she says. 'Who vill be the lucky one?'
The wise old Rebbe answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosale will be the lucky one'.
'Yankele un Yosale are both in love mit me,' she says. 'Who vill be the lucky one?'
The wise old Rebbe answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosale will be the lucky one'.
An oldie
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Lost!
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated, the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated, the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!
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