Science exam answers

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: &nbs p;The sun shines down on the leaves and makes the m perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the E arth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Is it really Him?

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!

The Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something

off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away

from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.



'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's

dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.



At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,

'Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'



I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'



We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently

pondering this new information. 'Oh...I get it!' she beamed.



'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad!'



''Exactly', I replied with a big smile on my face.

Thanks

Thanks HS and Itsagift for the contributions!

Torah Dating

B'reishis - In the beginning,

Noach lech - Noach went

Vayayroh Chayay Soroh - and he saw Chaya Soroh.

Toldos - He checked out the yichus

Vayaitzay - and they went out.

Vayishlach - They didn't like each other, so they sent each other away..

Vayaishev - The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.

Mikaitz - In the end,

Vayigash - they got close

Vay'chi - and they lived happily ever after.

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holiday

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case
dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,
how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware

of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

The Bath Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

When I was a little girl...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 3 years old and had just recovered from a nasty fall. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which of course, was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it all up.

Then she said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that child can reach to get water, is the toilet.??"

Ice-cream

Ben &Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel
in the following flavors:

Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen (This one totally cracks me up!!!)

Choc-Eilat Chip

Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors
come in either a cup or a Cohen.