A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Thunb sucking
A boy had reached the age of four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, 'If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.'
Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, 'Uh-oh . . I know what YOU have been doing.'
Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, 'Uh-oh . . I know what YOU have been doing.'
Kids Talk
"Mom," said a little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor!"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"
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My daughter's fifth-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
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Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, and then asked, "How old are you now?"
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Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
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Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
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One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face.
"What happened?" my mother asked.
"I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"
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My daughter's fifth-grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
That's when her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, and then asked, "How old are you now?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
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Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
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One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face.
"What happened?" my mother asked.
"I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
G-d will provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
KGB Paranoia
The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960's
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Da."
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.
"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"
"They just left."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"They certainly did."
"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."
Two beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side in front of a basilica in Rome. One has a large wooden cross in front of him; the other one, a metallic Star of David. As people go by they look pointedly at both beggars . Every single person leaving the basilica immediately puts in money , but only into the bowl of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A bishop comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross; but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the bishop goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My son, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Global Catholicism. People are not going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you; especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, the majority of these people would never give to charity and are giving to him just out of spite to you!" The beggar behind the Star of David listens carefully to the bishop, turns to the beggar beside him with the cross and says: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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