Best Police Comments

~#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

~#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

~#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

~#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet
fired from my gun."

~#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

~#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

~#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

~#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

~#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

~#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."

~#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

~#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

~#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

~#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

~#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.

Bad language

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Army’s actual regulations for aircraft operation - from 1920!

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

5. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

6. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

7. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

8. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

9. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
10. Do not trust altitude instruments.

11. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

12. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing.

13. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

14. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

Traffic camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Learning English

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn:


1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Taxi driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For twenty five years I drove a hearse."

When the government handles public education

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

6. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

8. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

9. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

10. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

11. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

12. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

13. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

14. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

15. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.



Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.